Hints of Narcissistic Abuse (Part 1): The Delight Dictator

I have read so much.

I have watched so many healing Youtube videos.

I have spent many hours in counselling.

I have spent hours on my knees in prayers.

I have written hundreds of pages in my journals...

All of this trying to solve the Problem of the Narcissist.

And as much as I have 'solved'...there is so much more to be solved.

But as the fog has lifted in the last couple of years since I have gone No-Contact, a lot of clarity has landed, THANK YOU, JESUS!

And one of the BIG revelations was that the Narc is the thief of joy. The controller of contentment. The dictator of delight.

I can't remember whose video I watched on YT that clued me in to this; there are so many great ones! It may have even been a 'short'. But the speaker described EXACTLY. WHAT. I. HAVE. EXPERIENCED...my whole life.

As to WHY the Narc does this? I have no idea. But indeed...it is a pattern repeated over and over. Clearly the theme is "Control"...as with everything. But I believe it takes a special kind of Narc to attempt to steal joy and control it in even minor activities.

For example, when my children were very small, we would be summoned to my parents home which was about a three hour drive away, whenever my brother and his family were visiting. He had a couple small kids as well. You would think this would be a delightful time: grandchildren gathered, siblings enjoying each other, family meals, etc. My parents lived on a lovely acreage with lots to do and lots of fun to be had...or at least that's how it should have been.

However, the grandchildren, who were toddlers, were relegated to playing BEHIND THE COUCH in the living room. And yes, it is as you picture. A formal plus-sized living room, lots of space, with a couch pulled out a foot or two from the wall, and that was where the small children were allowed to play.

Grandma didn't want the mess.

This was normal!

A few years later, they moved to a house in another state, closer to my brother (wow - that's a whole other story!) and we spent the day at the ocean. My parents, hubby, kids and I were planning what to do after the ocean visit. We all agreed that on the way home we would stop for a quick burger (at the only burger joint THEY approved of - not McDonald's of course) and then hit the movies for a Pixar flick my kids were really excited to see. We were all in agreement, and my children were SO excited!

We spent the afternoon at the ocean, watching people jump in the waves, collecting shells, it was wonderful.

Yet, of course, tension was brewing.

We all packed in the car to ensure we had enough time to grab a quick burger and make it to the movie on time.

Well, this is when Grandma announced plans were changing.

We would NOT be going to the movie. Or out for a burger. Instead we would just go home, order her gluten-free, thin-crust pizza and watch TV at home.

Sorry...what?

I could tell my father was upset and torn - he is a peacekeeper, but a poor one, all things considered.

I had reached the age and stage of mothering where I had started to call her on her BS. I told her if she wasn't 'up for it' we would take her home, but we had promised the kids a movie, so we were still taking them to the movie. So that's exactly what we did.

However - WE WERE PUNISHED. The pout was a GRANDE POUT and my father was snippy with me and even the children for the rest of the evening. Talk about acting like children?? Two seniors? I was so disgusted. But I was proud of myself for standing up to her. I knew something had shifted.

Fast forward again...to my daughter's high school graduation just a couple of years ago.

My daughter had fought her way through the pandemic, as so many teens had, with online school, isolation, missing her friends, etc. SHE MADE IT! There were so many victories to celebrate. We bought her the most beautiful gown - I still get goosebumps thinking of how beautiful she was. I bought her a tungsten and opal ring to symobolize her toughness and her soft heart. We were having an intimate family celebration and had booked a lovely Italian restaurant.

Before leaving for the restaurant we were doing a little toast at home. My husband poured the beverages. His brother was also part of the celebrations - my darling brother-in-law, because he has been and still is - such an integral part of my children's lives. My parents were invited and were in attendance. I had invited my brother and his family, but they declined. (At that point it had been TWELVE YEARS since they had visited. I have now stopped inviting them.)

My husband distributed the champagne flutes to everyone and I stood up, ring box in hand, and started my little speech for my daughter, when suddenly my mother shrieked, "BECKY! BECKYYYYYYY! You HAVE to check you dad's blood pressure! I have been WORRIED ABOUT HIM ALLL DAYYYYYYYYYYYY!" and her arms were flinging wildly in order to stop my toast.

Stop the toast I did, mouth agape.

There was silence.

Then my brother-in-law leaned forward, and in a very calm, gentle voice said, "I think my blood pressure would be high, too, if you had been talking to me like that all day!"

Oh wow. My hero! He has known things "behind-the-scenes" and as low-conflict as he is, he could see my situation needed rescuing.

So he rescued it. Both for myself and my daughter.

It was shortly thereafter I went No-Contact.

These are only two TINY examples of my mother attempting to control the joy of a situation. I have hundreds.

It always made me feel crazy. Of course you're going to respect someone's house rules when you have toddlers. And you're not going to make an old lady go to a movie after a long day at the ocean, right? Even if it disappoints two lovely little kiddos. You're not going to continue a graduation toast if your father is dying of a stroke, right? The mental fog and gaslighting is real....until you realize...SHE IS CONTROLLING THE DELIGHT. SHE IS STEALING THE JOY.

This photo is of me at about 14 years old...I think it speaks volumes.