Is Your Family a Cult?

Yes, you read that correctly. I'm not asking if your family is IN a cult...although that discussion will certainly come later. I'm asking if your family IS a cult. Some hints to look for based on my personal experience:

Firstly, cults are "high control". Families can certainly be high control. However, controlling parents don't necessarily mean culty parents. I have observed parents who are on the controlling side that I wouldn't describe as running their own little cult.

I personally think a family runs like a cult when the control has extreme restriction in choices, in discussion, and in consequences.

For example, if you don't have choice in:

• your appearance, like hair, clothing style, weight

• your diet, how and what and when you eat

• your political leanings

• obviously primary religious views, but even secondary and tertiary religious views

• your very thoughts on benign things!

• as you get older, how you yourself parent your own children

What do I mean by 'you don't have a choice?'

I mean that you suffer the consequences by deviating from the party line. If you bring up even the idea that is contrary to the clear family policy, for example, "I think I'd like to try my hair like XYZ...." and you are immediately met with shame, rage, guilt...THAT is a hint that you are in a high-control situation. If, on the contrary, you are met with a discussion, like, "Oh! Tell me more about that! ...I know I personally don't like that, but let's talk about it..." well, that's not high control. That is openness and there are options there.

If you have an emotion (absolutely NOT allowed when I was growing up...or still, actually), and you are ignored or told, "You don't need to feel that way!" or of course shamed, met with rage, labelled, etc., that is again, also a high-control situation. You have deviated from what is acceptable and you WILL be punished.

I know I certainly have spent my lifetime drifting from what was acceptable to my parents. It certainly wasn't on purpose - I was a scared and anxious little kid - really wanting to please my parents, my teachers, my pastors. So anything I did to stray from what they wanted was not intentional.

But...I had feelings. I had needs. I had emotions. These were generally, absolutely not acceptable.

Even well into adulthood, up until two years ago when I finally had enough, the price to get back into their good graces was (and still is):

• grovelling

• agreeing to their version of re-written history

• agreeing to the set-in-stone old terms and conditions that put me right back to square one

• begging for forgiveness for things I didn't know I did, or hadn't done at all

Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, your family operates like a cult.

When my children and my husband started being punished, shamed, put-down and insulted on a grand scale, it became clear to me that my family of origin was not safe. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that it took as long as it did. But that was part of my journey. So I finally said goodbye.

The rage came. The 'talking-to'...saying to me that "enough is enough." That made me laugh - I'm a grown woman and they were talking to me like I was eight.

Cult.

The final similarity between a family that runs like a cult and an actual cult, is just that.

You can leave. You can say goodbye.

I did.

John 8:36

"So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."

I am free, and as the months and coming on years have passed, the freedom is light and pure and beautiful and healing. I love my family of origin. But safely, from a distance. I truly forgive them and release them, but I know they are not safe for me to be around. I pray passionately for them to have healing. To have a Holy Spirit encounter.

But I am free.